crisis of faith

 and when i meet god 

i will ask him why he punished me on earth

by denying me the pleasure of being known

by anyone other than him

intentionally, innately, irrevocably known

in a way i could have remained silent forever 

whilst always being heard 

i will ask him why the world kept spinning as i screamed

and spiralled into the sins he’d laid out for me 

for me to fumble in my guilt

on my knees, raw from repentance and retribution

who is to beg for forgiveness now?

and i will apologise to my mother 

for carrying her burdens in my womb 

it was her first time too, on earth

longing for something she’d never known 

please tell me i did it right, that i made you proud 

please tell me i lived how you wanted me to

give birth to me again and i’ll try harder

would it heal you to see me leave, or would it hurt because you never did 

will i see your face one day in the mirror

and touch it to feel your skin

and i will ask you if you could not love me 

or if you just couldn’t say the words 

if this is heaven, and you are here 

then maybe it is the latter

forgive, and you will be forgiven 

god forgive me for what i said to you

in my desperate grasp for affection  

a final lapse in humility 

i’d like to find you again 

and do it all again 

even if the outcome stays the same 

there is nothing more biblical 

than beauty bore out of pain 

we were never strangers, you were written in my chest

a divine inscription i’ll pray to until my final breath