swimming lessons

sitting across from you

at the coffee shop, at the restaurant

on the sofa

on the bed

a thousand things that could be said

or is there

does there need to be?

you’re okay with silence

you float in it happily

whilst i drown, silently

i need swimming lessons

please teach me

we’re here, but not really here,

you’re somewhere else entirely

and i’m changing the colour of the sky

ignoring the predicted forecast

even if it’s been right before

it’s blue if i say it’s blue

you’re looking at me

but you’re not seeing me

if you did you’d see the sunrise

reflecting in my eyes

your face has a golden glow

that i put there every morning

which exists until they close

heaven has nothing you couldn’t give me

even if you won’t

i pretend i can’t hear the rain

on the window

if i think loud enough

your heart will hear me

and you’ll speak

something reassuring

something to make me laugh

something to tell me this is still a good thing

and you’ll like me just as much in the autumn

as you did in the spring

Comments

to the daughters of builders who drive white vans

on the 6am train the men smell like my father; red bull, cigarettes, dried cement - they wake up like my father i feel safe in this carriage, these men are my father, any man with a van and one arm out the window, sunburnt from the elbow down - the infamous builder’s tan - seats so dusty i can’t breathe and i have lungs like my father, full of second-hand smoke and concrete, a touch of asbestos, i should weep for my father but my pockets are healthy i am told by my father whose hands shake as he brings another beer to his lips at 10am on a saturday morning, this is coping for my father these men cope - cope like my father - with the asbestos lungs, uneven tans, shaking hands, muscles in constant pain, water on the brain, the ever encroaching grasp of old age; with substances up the nose they unwind like my father this kind of masculinity doesn’t last forever, you know...

i can only write when i am thinking about God

I can only write when I am thinking about God and sometimes God is God and he loves me, most of the time he does not the hand that feeds me overpowered by teeth that bite he visits me at night like a shark smells blood he smells lust, guilt, and greed brought to my knees, voice hushed he picks apart my greed and my lust promising to forgive, to forget he will make me repent and regret, any pain or pleasure at his expense provided in selfless restoration a gift of his affections exchanged for endless loyalty God is not always God, sometimes he is my lover he tells me he loves me, most of the time he does not I can only write when I am thinking about God

crisis of faith

and when i meet god i will ask him why he punished me on earth by denying me the pleasure of being known by anyone other than him intentionally, innately, irrevocably known in a way i could have remained silent forever whilst always being heard i will ask him why the world kept spinning as i screamed and spiralled into the sins he’d laid out for me for me to fumble in my guilt on my knees, raw from repentance and retribution who is to beg for forgiveness now? and i will apologise to my mother for carrying her burdens in my womb it was her first time too, on earth longing for something she’d never known please tell me i did it right, that i made you proud please tell me i lived how you wanted me to give birth to me again and i’ll try harder would it heal you to see me leave, or would it hurt because you never did will i see your face one day in the mirror and touch it to feel your skin and i will ask you if you could not love...

my love

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